I recently had a night of revivals – Jamestown Revival and The Revivalists performing at Robert Mondavi Winery. Both bands were good, but the special thing about this night was that it was the first of many events I’ll be going to sans a boyfriend.
I broke up with my latest beau just a few weeks before the concert, which we were supposed to go to together. Thankfully one of my best friends here on the West Coast was able to accompany me and, honestly, I had a better time with her than I ever could have had with him.
It’s not that he wasn’t a fun person; it’s that I felt stifled while I was with him. My friend, however, loves me for exactly the person that I am, thus we could sing lyrics we didn’t know side-by-side while jumping up and down and swaying into the security guard. (You know you’re having a good time when you can get security to crack a smile.)
Even when things at the show seemed ridiculous – at one point we couldn’t even hear the lead singer over the band’s instruments – she and I still were able to have a great time, often breaking out in hysterical laughter.
Realizing how much fun I would have missed out on if I had still been with boyfriend, well, that was the beginning of my healing and my journey back to self-discovery – the revival of me.
You see, I’ve been a serial monogamist for years. After each break-up I decide that I want and need to stay single, but there is always some guy who I don’t want to miss out on. He woos me, I cave and two years later I’m wondering how I got into yet another not-so-great situation and what the best way to get out is. Thankfully I didn’t let this latest relationship last that long. This time I got out early. I’m learning.
The next lesson is learning how to be alone. What do people do when there isn’t a built-in plan for the night? What is it that I want? What do I even like? Am I doing what I want to be doing?
I’m not necessarily lonely in my new state. In fact, I think I’m having more fun. I’m less stressed and I get to spend more time with my friends, my cat, my books and my Netflix. The problem lies in figuring myself out.
I have spent most of my life – yes, including my childhood – worrying about someone else. Relationship after relationship, I give everything to the other person until one day I break and say no more.
I’ve never been in this place where there is no one else left to worry about. Other than Cosmo cat, I have no one who depends on me, who needs me. Even my family is really too far to worry too much about. What could I do from 3,000 miles away anyway?
Who will I be now that all I have to worry about is me?
Stay tuned, readers, and I guess we’ll see.