Remember those relationship red flags I talked about ignoring? Well, maybe they did mean something – for both me and the almost, not-so-much man of my dreams.
As I admitted two columns ago, maybe I fell for him too quickly. Or maybe I hadn’t really fallen for him at all. Some call it love. Some call it lust. I call it “oops.”
I won’t go into details – for his sake and mine – but things with my new man did not end well. That being said, I don’t regret it. We had a magnificent moment. Or I did at least.
When it became clear that it was over, I thought I’d be devastated. I resisted giving in to the obvious truth because I was afraid it would hurt too much. To my surprise, it didn’t.
I’m not sure how he felt about me, but I definitely had feelings for him. Some of those feelings I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. He didn’t turn out to be the one for me and that was disappointing. However, God did it feel good to feel those “in love” feelings again. It’s nice to know that after everything I’ve been through, it’s still possible to feel that way. That childhood trauma, divorce and loves lost haven’t left me dead inside.
Now that I’ve found that out, though … time to throw the fish back. Good luck, next girl!
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I’m closing this chapter and going back to Plan A: staying single for a while. Being the serial monogamist that I am, I realize the challenges ahead, but now I’ll have a worthwhile distraction: UC Berkeley’s graduate program. How could I really seriously date anyone while I’m in school anyway? How could I commit to a relationship when I don’t know yet what opportunities lie ahead of me?
I take solace in the fact that I knew the timing was bad all along. It didn’t start exactly how I would have liked it to, either. It was too rushed, too sudden, too much. But I’m a sucker for too much too soon. It’s my M.O.
Lesson to be learned: don’t rush in, fools. But I am fool and maybe I will always be because it feels so good to fall into the fantasy. If it had been my epic love story, I would’ve been glad I let myself feel it all. I would’ve been glad to have fallen so hard.
But it wasn’t. Or, that’s how it seems right now. The hurt I feel doesn’t translate into remorse. Instead, I power on, happy to have had this experience, happy to have gotten out a lot sooner than usual and, as I said previously, glad to have had that look-me-in-the-eyes, foot-poppin’ kiss.
Besides, as the cliché goes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Here’s hoping they’re not from the same farm.