Thanksgiving dinner guide

Thanksgiving dinner guide

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It is usual for family members to experience an increase in angst and anxiety prior to the annual extended family free-for-all more commonly known as Thanksgiving dinner.

Due to the recent election, many hosts are at a loss as to how to prepare for the annual feast under these unprecedented conditions.

Be not of concern, however, because I have developed the following action plan for which there is still time to implement; to wit:

Purchase a Home Model All Purpose Small Arms/Metal Detector from the appropriately named Sharper Image Company ($129.95). I understand that a TSA-type body wand is also available for those visitors with metal prostheses or who prefer to be screened privately.

Consider the installation of the recently developed and self-programmed Fake News Channel available via Comcast, DirecTV and other vendors. Essentially, you can have your television tuned to completely fraudulent reports that you select and produce on whatever channel you desire based upon your guest list. It can be broadcast on a Fox channel for your liberally challenged in-laws, or MSNBC for those that have recently considered a one-way trip to the Golden Gate Bridge but never made it past the Sonoma Raceway traffic tie-up.

You can surreptitiously change channels with your pocket remote when necessary to maintain a semblance of order in the so called “family room.”

In anticipation of the likelihood that there will be sporadic instances of choking and esophageal spasms at the dinner table, I would recommend the newly invented Harry Heimlich Programmable Quasi-Paramedic Dinner Guest from the producers of HBO’s WestWorld. Capable of completely vacuous and otherwise totally uncontroversial dinner chatter, he is nonetheless immediately prepared to offer medical assistance regardless of the political orientation of the victim.

So, there you have it. Good luck. Remember that whatever concerns you have about the election, votes are still being counted as we speak. At least I think that story is real.

Eric Zimny

Napa

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